Zombie Apocalypse
I’m a zombie fan. Movies, books, Jill’s fairy tales… Put a zombie in it, and I’ll automatically take interest. I’ve totally got my zombie survival plan ready (my husband will perish, I think, because he hasn’t watched as many zombie movies as I have, poor guy) but the truth is…
I’m probably dead, too. Here’s the problem:
Once upon a time, I was a kid. I might have looked like the kid to the right, even. Like many kids, I had both sisters and Barbies. And like many kids with sisters and Barbies, when we were mad at a certain sister we’d cut her Barbie’s head off.
Many, many heads rolled in the Brook household. But the worst didn’t happen to a Barbie … it happened to Ken.
For a long time, we didn’t have a Ken — our Barbies made out with each other and with Star Wars and He-Man guys, instead. But finally, one day, I got one (and the seeds of my hot romance-writing heart were born.) But then, one day while we were playing with Ken, he fell into something disgusting.
Now, I’m not a squeamish person, so the stuff itself wasn’t the issue. But there was another force at work, and that was: I wanted to make my sister pick Ken up out of the disgusting stuff. She refused. She wanted me to do it. I refused. And since there is no kind of stalemate like a sisterly stalemate, Ken remained in that stuff for weeks. When the stalemate broke, we declared him dead, took him out to the shed and buried him.
A few days later we went out to dig him up… and he wasn’t there.
And that moment probably explains why my mind is so effed up today, folks. I might be the only person living who has actually sat through all of the movie Stephen King’s Cat’s Eye, where the little doll-like troll tries to suck the life out of a sleeping Drew Barrymore, but that’s exactly what I thought Ken was going to do: come back while I was sleeping and suck the life out of me.
But now I know how it’s really going to happen. When the zombie apocalypse happens, and people are running around screaming and shouting ONOZ and OMG, I’ll be safe and secure in my little attic hideaway, my store of food big enough to last until the zombies run out of brains and starve to death, and with all of the entries blocked.
Can any place be truly secure against a back-from-the-grave Ken doll, though? That’s 12 inches of brain-eating terror, my friends. He can crawl through ventilation shafts, wriggle through tiny spaces in the walls — and he’ll bring all of his headless Barbie-honeys along with him.
The future's so blight, he's gotta wear shades.
So I’m totally doomed. I’ll feed them for a week, at least. Sigh.
Did anyone else make it through Cat’s Eye? And are dolls totally creepy or what?
So now I have questions.
1) Did you ever find him again?
2) What exactly did he fall in?
1) We dug that whole shed up and never found him. I still have no idea what happened to him.
2) Can I say it was a maggot-infested raccoon? That’s totally better than what it really was.
That’s nasty! How exactly would a doll fall into a racoon? And which end of the racoon did it fall into?
Oh wow, I don’t even know what to say. But, yep, that explains a lot!
lol! Yes, yes it does.
Right there with ya on the torturing of other people’s barbie’s in revenge. I just ran into my cousin (who inherited some of our barbies, being younger). She made a comment about how “interesting” the damage to the dolls was. Err… I don’t really remember exactly what I/we did, to be honest, but I got the sense that we scarred her for life.
I, too, want to know what is more disgusting than a rotting raccoon. And how a doll “falls” into it…
Ha! This is the way to raise youngins nowadays … just show them the Barbies, and they’ll be scared into obeying!
Where did the Ken go? LOL. That is so funny. I’d have to concur: Ken is somewhere, that’s just a law of physics. He has had years to think about the life that you and your sister provided for him. The Barbies out there and headless? Ventilation shafts? Tiny, angry plastic mouths? You are SO screwed!
*sob sob*
And the little plastic teeth! They will gnaw and gnaw, and the pain will be worse. “Because it’s dull, you twit, it’ll hurt more!”
It seems like there’s a consensus. Ken is out there, waiting for that perfect moment to scare the bejesus out of you. He’s small, he’s crafty and you have no idea where he went.
I don’t have any headless barbies but I do have numerous stuffed animals which I opened up, removed the stuffing and replaced with my own personal stash of forbidden booty (ie: candy, make-up, generally stuff I wasn’t allowed at the time) because really, who checks out stuffed animals for a hoard of forbidden goodies. And they look rather frankensteinish.. badly stitched up and lumpy (in some cases).. maybe they could join your zombies.
See, now that’s clever. If I’d had any contraband, my stuffed animals would have been lumpy toast.
lol 0h dear. I bet a cat or dog ran off with it but who knows.
I havent seen cat’s eyes. I will have to watch it.
You should read I am scrooge: a zombie story for christmas. by Adam Roberts. My friend got it me for christmas. Tis really funny.
Thank you, I’ll check it out!
If he was laying in something dead for that long, it does seem likely an animal found and made off with him. Likely a dog, and we know how thoroughly they chew up anything they find…tasty. I don’t think you need worry about Ken sneaking into your hidey hole.
When the time comes, I’ll wear my grey scrubs as they make me look moldy. Zombies don’t mess with you if they think you’re one of them, as I found when I had to be someplace on a Friday the 13th that one would generally avoid on such an unauspicious date
=A
You will have to share this Friday the 13th story sometime!
I love the blending in idea. One of my favorite scenes in Shaun of the Dead was when everyone was receiving acting lessons so that they could cross a lot full of zombies.
Anyone remember Chucky?
I love chucky its funny. All of them are. They get more cheesy each time. My fave character is tiff, she is awesome, i love her.
Do I… Bride of Chucky especially. Disturbing yet very funny, to me any way!
Creepy little booger. Gotta love horror that’s so bad it’s funny.
This is a little bit off-topic, but this reminds me of the new U.S. Postal Service commercial about returning gift items in boxes. Has anyone seen it? A family gets a creepy little Clown/Chucky look-alike doll. They are staring at it through the door of their house. They turn to talk to the Mailman, and when they look back into their home, the creepy little clown has magically zoomed right in front of them. There is even creepy zinging music to go along with the last shot of the clown!
Ha!!
That advert is so good. I’ve never seen it before.
Haha, yes! I was thinking of Child’s Play as I wrote this, too.
Is it wrong to simply feel relieved that I’m not the only one who’s dolls met with an unfortunate end (either at my own hand or otherwise)? Dunno about that Ken doll. Sounds like a new FB app waiting to happen…”Where’s Ken?”
LOL! It really does.
And, no — it’s a relief for me, too, knowing I’m not the only sicko out there
If you like zombies, you’ll love this: http://epicwinftw.com/2010/01/01/what-are-you-two-doing-cant-you-read-the-sign/ and this: http://failbooking.com/2010/01/07/funny-facebook-unless-forbidden-to-by-their-superiors/
I wouldn’t survive a zombie attack. I don’t know how to use guns and I’d go back for my loved ones and I’d probably investigate the weird sound outside, too. LOL
My little bother had a My Buddy doll and after seeing Chucky he was convinced that he had to kill his buddy before it killed him.
That Drew Barrymore movie was so scary when I was little. It still freaks me out a little. And I’m sorry to say this but that Ken doll is probably waiting outside your house right now just watching and planning…
I always wondered if the My Buddy dolls took a hit in sales after that movie came out, because the Chucky doll was so, so obviously modeled after them. But maybe sales went up?
I’m just so happy to know that I’m not the only one who had lesbian Barbies. My parents eventually caved and got me a Ken doll, but for a while there…
Oh, mine were Ellen and Portia before those two ever even met.
headless barbies… heh reminds me of when my brother and i strapped barbie to a firecracker so she could visit outer space and be an astronaut….it didn’t work out, she got um…fired. plus we (the scientists that we are) decided that inorder to tan barbie she needed to be but in the microwave….again did not work….don’t even mention the barbque incident. Never had a ken doll, mine went for the TMNT and GI Joes.
According to a Facebook quiz (and Gloria Gaynor), I will survive. I’m taking that with a grain of Salt.
If you want to hear from a real zombie survivor, check out this guy on twitter: http://twitter.com/manvszombies
His cunning and determination to survive the zombie pandemic is truly…inspirational!
My hubby finds all the great twits…er tweets…um, tweeters.
“Did anyone else make it through Cat’s Eye? And are dolls totally creepy or what?”
You weren’t affected by the jumping cat in the chain-smoker story? It truly scarred my twelve-year-old mind.
But yeah, I watched Cat’s Eye to the end, as part of my horror-film marathon. Watched it straight after seeing Re-Animator, Xtro, Monkey Shines, The Changeling (good!), and Inseminoid (really, really bad).
After Cat’s Eye, I watched further two films: one film about a demon haunting a house (forgot the title), Creepshow (Ted Danson!), and The Thing (this blew my mind so much that it ended my blooming love affair with horror films until a couple of years later.)
Because with memories of these films still blurring together, I can only remember the jumping-cat scene and the cat sucking a puff of smoke from Drew’s mouth (I think?).
Ken is probably still in that shed, snickering and biding his time to hatch his plot of revenge.
Yes, I watched that movie! Twice. Ugh. Can’t watch any horror now. But I agree that electric shock treatment smoking story scarred me. I also get a bit nervous every time my cats get up in my face when I’m laying in bed. Now, I did enjoy Shawn of the Dead. That is a great zombie flick!
My brother and I were really into J.I.Joe action figures, so the J.I. Joes were the good guys and my dolls were the evil ones so they had to die…lol!