MAGIC (and my heart) BLEEDS
(First! Let me congratulate the winners of last week’s Michelle Rowen contest:
Adding this to my wishlist. Looks very interesting!
and
Angesaur says:
Sounds neat! Sign me up, thanks!
Please email me at jillmyles at gmail.com to claim your prize! Thanks!)
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…..
Once upon a time there was this author, and we’ll call her Jill. Jill loved writing assignments in grade school, but it wasn’t until she hit about twelve years old that she started writing longer stories. Fiction. Okay – fanfiction. Really bad fiction involving Mary Sue characters. Now, I love me some Fanfiction, but it’s pretty safe to say that I did not write GOOD fanfiction. I wrote the kinds of stories where you write yourself into the book, and all the characters magically fall in love with you because you are SO AWESOME.
And in honor of the release of MAGIC BLEEDS release, I present to you…MARY SUE BLEEDS, penned by the mind of 13-Year-Old-Jill who has inserted herself into the story and tweaked a few things.
You’re welcome.
MARY SUE BLEEDS
Jill, a badass Knight of the Order, rode her donkey Dandelion down the road. Once upon a time it was called Pegasus Lane, but now everyone called it THE MEAT MARKET.* Jill was riding by herself, because she was a loner and liked to live life on the edge. (get it? on the edge?) The Pack was misbehaving, and the Order had sent her down to the Meat Market to teach them a few lessons. She snarled to passerby as she rode her donkey, because that was what knights did. They snarled. She snarled a lot. She thought people stared at her because she snarled, but really it was because she was so beautiful. Moonlight gleamed on her thick, lustrous mahogany tresses that hung down her back in perfect, roping curls that were thick and lustrous. Like rope. And she was beautiful. A snarly kind of beautiful, but it was still pretty beautiful.
A man stepped out of the shadows, and Jill grabbed her sword from the scabbard on her back because she had practiced the move so many times she could totally do that without thinking (or accidentally cutting off Dandelion’s head).
The man stepped forward. He was totally sexy and badass in a sexy and badass sort of way. He had really cool hair, big muscles, and a snarly face that almost hid the fact that he was totally hot. He wore a really tight muscle tee that showed off his glistening manboobs and assless chaps a kilt (because this is jillfic, yo, and anything is possible, even Curran in a kilt).
Jill waved her magic sword at him. “Come no further, Curran! I am a badass Knight and I mean business.”
Curran gave her a sexy look through lowered, sexy eyebrows. “Jill, it is you.”
“Of course it is me.”
He stepped forward, his kilt flaring as he moved over a grate that was blowing hot air. The kilt fluttered in the breeze, showing off his manly, thewed thighs that were sprinkled with golden hair like a lion’s mane. “Kate Jill – I need to tell you something.”
Jill gave him a wide eyed look. “What is it, Curran?” She bounded off of the donkey and stood before him, trembling with uncontrollable lust.
“You are my soulmate** and we are destined to be together.”
Jill fainted, tumbling into his arms.***
#
When Jill awoke, she was in a princess bed with a white canopy and pink ruffles. The bed was in a stone castle, and a man peered over her as she fluttered her eyelashes awake.
“Jill,” Curran growled like a wild feral growling sort of thing. “My dearest, sweetest love. You are awake.” He mopped his forehead with the edge of his kilt, revealing his ‘below’ lion’s mane to her wide eyes.
Jim stood over his shoulder and smiled at Jill. Jim was very handsome too, being a hottie cheetah and Curran’s second in command. **** “Will she be all right?”
Curran growled at Jim over his shoulder, clutching Jill’s soft, delicate hand in his own. “Dammit Jim, I’m a Pack Leader, not a doctor.”
Jim put his hand on Curran’s shoulder and leaned over him, and Jill thought that was really damn hot. Her eyes widened.
“Don’t snap at me,” Jim said to Curran. “I was just asking.”
Curran snarled up at Jim, and again Jill thought it was really hot. “I think you two should kiss and make up,” she suggested, because DUDE THIS IS JILL WRITING IT.
Curran scowled at her, but turned to Jim. The cheetah looked like he was totally game for some hot beastlord action, too, if you know what I’m saying. Jill quivered with delight at the thought of these two sexy guys kissing each other. Jim obligingly leaned toward the other man…
AAAAND I should probably stop right there, because I’m pretty sure Ilona hates me at the moment. 
I do this in the name of love, though. MAGIC BLEEDS is the best book in the Kate Daniels series yet, and if you haven’t bought your copy yet, you are truly missing out. I got a chance to read this book early and it blew me away with the awesome and the sexy. Go. Read. Buy.
SO. Still reading this post?
If you read this far, I’m willing to reward you for slogging through some heinous writing.*****Comment and tell me what you thought of MARY SUE BLEEDS and what weapon Ilona will use to disembowel BFF Jill. I’ll enter you in to win a copy of MAGIC BLEEDS shipped from Book Depository (so this is open to you international peeps too). You have until 11:59PM EST Wednesday to do so. 
* Note to readers – 13 year old Jill loved capitalization. She hasn’t grown out of that much either.
** Because duuuude. SOULMATES!! JUST WHAT ILONA NEEDS IN HER SERIES.
*** In the first book I ever wrote, the main character fainted at the end of every chapter, quite dramatically. It was pretty awesome.
**** So I totally don’t remember what Jim was, but since this entire thing is sure to make Ilona’s head explode with rage, let’s go with cheetah.
***** My books really aren’t this bad. I promise. Though there is a lot of kissing. Not much fainting, though.
omg… that was… uhh, it left me speechless lol! loved the Curran in a kilt tho
Ilona is gonna kill you.. she’s going to do something unimaginable like make you watch the centipied clip *shivers* (that was gross and creepy )
Due to the rather impressive descriptions of various blades in the Magic series, I am afraid Ilona might be a collector. This leaves her with far too many choices for disembowelment – and might be the only thing that saves you.
Wait….is it possible to disembowel someone with a book? That would be poetic.
Ok, first, LMAO! Second…Run, Jill, RUN! Ilona’s coming and she’s packing some mean knitting needles!
that was hilarious!
totally made my day.
OMG!! That is a riot. And yeah, I’m going with Ilona coming with knitting needles also.
I can’t believe you even managed a Star Trek reference. I’m in awe. Will you tell us what shows you wrote fanfic for??
LMAO!! Curran in kilt. *drool* I’m opting out of this contest because I have already got several copies but I would like to say Jill, you’ve better put your running shoes on. Run and don’t look back. I think Ilona will come after you with her faithful hellhounds but don’t worry, they are total softies. You just need to pet them and they are yours.
Oh yeah, I forgot to say, I’m opting out of the contest also. I have the book 3 ways….*somebody will surely take that wrong in here*
And as a horse person I would like to point out ALL chaps are assless, that look comes from not wearing pants under chaps.
So anyway, re-read this morning. The day haz started marvelous!
Ha. Loved it. It was so cliche – especially liked the Star Trek reference.
And she should use a scimitar (sp?) because they’re underused in my opinion.
Haha I was giggling all the way through that but mostly at the open grate that was blowing air aroung Curran’s kilt..how Marilyn Monro-esque hehe
Hmm weapon??? Revolver in the library is normally a good one
OMG! I almost had a stroke. When I opened the blog I started reading from the bottom and started with Jill thinking about Curran kissing another guy and thought it was a real excerpt. That sure would have been a new development in the Kate Daniels series!
If I were Ilona I think I’d just smack Jill upside the head then laugh.
*squeals with laughter!* LMAO! That was brilliant, had me laughing so hard!
Loved the donkey, Dandelion, formerly known as Pegasus lane, and Curran in a kilt, oh yesss! And I totally get the Curran-soulmate idea, who wouldn’t want to be Curran’s soulmate?
Ilona will smack Jill with a wood stick on the head and on the butt!
Please enter me, I so yearn to read Magic Bleeds!
stella.exlibris (at) gmail (dot) com
Thsi was so funny!!! I can just imange Curran in a kilt.
Please enter me
jellybelly82158 at gmail dot com
I love it !!!
wow, that was quite ossim!
Both my hubby and I laughed.
He especially liked the “bounded off the donkey” part.
Sign me up.
Ilona will not kill you right away, oh no. She will obtain various blood weapons of the Roland variety and apply them both simultaneously and serially. She’s talented that way.