She will kill me for this.

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The flight back was not awesome.  About a minute into take off we hit turbulence.  The plane shook and dropped and then dropped some more.  It was like riding a rollercoaster, except at ten thousand feet in the air.

It’s not the fear of death that gets me.  It’s the fear of plunging down to the ground, being aware that my kids are about to die.  What do I say?  Don’t be scared?  It will be okay?  It won’t be okay.

So, very unpleasant.  After it, I leaned to Gordon and informed him that I’ll be taking the kids and getting off at San Jose.  We would be taking the train.  Fortunately, the exhaustion got the better of me and I fell asleep after awhile, and woke up when we were landing.  The landing was bad, but not awful.

As we sat in the plane, waiting to depart for Portland, the intercom announced that the pilot was being replaced.  The rest of the trip was good.

I can’t help but wonder how much difference does the pilot make when it comes to turbulence.

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Instead I bring you bitchings.

Things that bug me on Facebook:

1) John Doe liked John Doe Super Awesome Author and suggested you like it too.

Oy.  I’m glad you liked yourself, but here is a newsflash: your self promotion?  It’s not working.  Your promo kung-fu sucks.  I don’t want to like you, I’m annoyed by your spam, and I might block your butt.

2) People using an actor’s picture for your profile picture.

That’s just silly.  Double silly points if it’s a picture of your boobies instead.  I’m happy that you have nice boobies, but you should be sharing them with someone special, not with the entire public of the Facebook.

3) People trolling for porn and attempting to engage my daughters in X-rated chats.

Die, creeps. I kil u gud!

What bugs you?

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Ingredients

• 1 cup granulated sugar
• 8 tablespoons (1 stick) unsalted butter, room temperature
• 2 large eggs
• 3 ripe bananas
• 1 tablespoon milk
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 teaspoon salt

(Click for the full recipe)

I’ve made banana bread probably about a hundred times in my life.  I’ve made it with nuts, with raisins, with dried cranberries, with fresh blueberries, you name it, I probably made the banana bread with it.  I make it in self-defense: because of our kids, we keep fresh bananas on hand.  They’re a good source of vitamins and fiber.  Inevitably bananas go soft and then turn brown.  There is nothing much that can be done with them except for the banana bread.

Most of the time my banana bread rocks.  It is eaten almost instantly, often with coffee.

The other day I noticed a bunch of bananas that had gone soft, and I threw the recipe together real quick.  I was really upset at the time, because I knew that the book I was working on wasn’t that great.  Some other things in life weren’t going that well either and so I stewed in my stress and angst while I cooked.

An hour later I pulled the banana bread from the oven.  It looked just like it always does.  I left it to cool on the stove.

A couple of hours later I noticed that a small piece has been cut from the bread, but most of it was still there.  Later one of the kids mentioned that they were hungry and I said, “There is banana bread.”  I’ve got a wide eyed look in response.  I finally tried the damn bread and it was damn near inedible.

I have no idea what went wrong.  All ingredients were there, they just somehow failed to combine into the right recipe.  I find that this often happens in writing.  I can think of several books where all of the ingredients of a good story are present, but they fail to make themselves into a  streamlined whole.  It’s like some vital magic is missing.

Why do you think that is?

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I want to talk a little bit about Nalini and Meljean.

I think what I like best about Nalini and Meljean’s writing is the touch of tenderness their romances possess.  It sounds kind of corny, but hear me out.

In our adult life, most of us learn to guard ourselves.  We start out as children wearing our emotions on our sleeve: if we don’t like something, we cry.  If we think something is funny, we laugh.  If someone is fat, we tell them.  I once saw a toddler, about eighteen months or so, trying to get attention of a little girl on the beach.  He strutted and he offered her his toys and he brought her some sand, but she didn’t want to play with him.  Finally, he punched her.  She cried and he got in trouble, but he was so happy because she noticed him.  That’s a pure expression of emotion. 

When we enter school, this emotional honesty becomes a liability.  We must learn to play well with others, and we learn to hide our true selves.  That’s why middle school is pure hell for most adolescents.  They realize that the world doesn’t really like their true selves and doesn’t care much about their feelings.  It leaves us fragile and we hide that fragility, wrapping it in layers of politeness.

By the time we reach adulthood, most of us are skilled liars.  We excel at hiding our emotions to keep from being hurt, because the inner core, that inner fragility that makes us vulnerable, never goes away.  It remains and it colors the way we perceive the world. Even the most hardened of us hide it deep inside.  That’s what Nalini’s and Meljean’s romances are all about: they are about exposing and testing that fragility; about finding acceptance and realizing that, for once, one can be honest with another human being and that other human being will be careful and gentle with you.   They’re about love, the kind of consuming, no holds barred love most of us experience only in childhood.  They bring you hope: no matter how tough you are, not matter how difficult and prickly, someone out there possesses an innate, almost magical ability to heal you.  Someone out there understands.

It’s a very difficult thing to slice a character open like that.  You really have to sit there and tear apart this construct you made, trying to find that honest emotion underneath.  I think  both Nalini and Meljean do it brilliantly and I’m honored to be in their company.

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A lot of people prefer a new spin on a familiar idea to true innovation.  Despite all of the clamoring for new ideas and settings in the field of Urban Fantasy and Paranormal Romance, vampires, the good, old-fashioned, sexy vampires made popular by Anne Rice and LKH, still sell better than any other preternatural creature out there.  For every couple of reviews I get complimenting our unorthodox take on vampires, I get one that chides me for not doing vampires “right.”

True innovation is difficult.  People are naturally weary of the new and the innovator has to break his way through brambles and obstacles.  He has to prove that his idea is worth something and he has to convince people that it does work.

Curiously, true innovators rarely become famous for their innovation.  Most of the financial rewards and industry accolades go to imitators.  Imitators take the trailblazer’s idea and improve on it.  They make it better, sleeker, more attractive.  The idea already demonstrated its potential and because the innovator already gave it a trial run, the obstacles and issues are now readily visible.   Pretty soon, people forget the original trailblazer and it’s the imitator who is credited with the original idea.

This trend is especially visible in business.  Check out these innovators and people who improved on their idea.

I’ve never even heard of Korvette.  Sometimes imitation seems to payoff in a big way.

Is the imitation bad?  I honestly don’t think so.  I like my iPod and I don’t really dig the Diet RC.

For more on this subject, here are some articles.

Defend Your Research: Imitation Is More Valuable Than Innovation

Innovation is the Sincerest Form of Flattery

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Now the phrase is stuck in my brain.  I can’t get rid of it.  At the most inopportune moments Michael Palin pops into my head, declaring, “We want… a shrubbery!”

I was brushing my teeth last night and talking with my husband about meeting Diana Francis the next day.  At some point I looked at him and said, “Should we bring her a shrubbery?”  He sort of patted my shoulder, which indicates to me that I’m more nuts than usual.

I’ve had some lines stuck in my memory before.  One should never travel without a towel.  Make you an offer you can’t refuse.  These are not the droids we’re looking for. But this one is proving hard to shake.  Perhaps I should buy a shrubbery?

Ever have a line stuck in your head?

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Ilona’s Blushing Geisha:

2 parts TY KU Sake

1 part pomegranate juice

2 parts Sence rose nectar

1 part Sprite (I use the diet or zero calorie variety, because the regular stuff is too sweet.)

The classic recipe omits Sprite, so if you want the “grown-up” recipe, just take it out.

On TY KU sake:

TY KU really has a unique subtle taste.  I’m not a big sake drinker, but this sake is infused with a whole range of subtle flavors. It’s smooth and interesting, and TY KU liqueur is even better.

In 2003 two guys, Trent Ulciny and Kirk Spahn, were trying to finish up their masters.  They were given a marketing project that involves creating a new product. Check this out.

So what’s your current favorite?

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Yesterday:

Gordon (my husband and co-author):  What is it?

Me: I need a thing.

Gordon patiently waits until the remnants of the manuscript clear out form my head as my brain reboots and I’m able to converse.

Ten seconds later:

Me: I have the Viking scene and I need a creature.

Gordon: What kind?

Me: An animal.  Something creepy.  May be a bird.  I want it to flitter.

Gordon: Aha.

Me: From the branches.

Gordon: But in a creepy way?

Me: Yes.

Gordon: What about a raven?  Odin had ravens.

Me: Used a crow in the second book and I don’t want to go there again.

Gordon: Then I’m not sure.  Make one up.

Me: But I want it to be significant and announce that Look, Here Be Viking Critters.  Where are all of our reference books?

Thirty minutes and a stack of books later.

Gordon, walking into the bedroom.  “Hi.  What are you doing here?”

Me, pointing at the Dictionary of Viking Mythology:  Ravens, wolves, stags, serpents, and dragons.  Also sometimes a dog.  No birds.  And everything is giant.  Giant wolves, giant serpents…

Gordon:  Use dwarves.  Or some nasty small fairy.

Me:  Dwarves are too big.  I want a bird.

An hour later:

Me, shambling back in the writing/fun room: I give up. I decided to use fairies.

Gordon: Good.

Twenty minutes later:

Me:  If you have encyclopedia of fairies, why don’t you cross-reference them by the bloody country or at least point of origin?  This book is basically useless.

Gordon: You still want a Viking bird, don’t you?

Me: Yep.

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Ilona’s Compendium of Leading Ladies.

The Rebel

The Rebel defies conventions.  She knows the rules and she actively opposes everything they stand for.   She’s brave to the point of being rash and honest to the point of being blunt.  The Rebel is quick to judge and prone to making decisions in the heat of the moment. She never hesitates to put herself between the weak and the mean, and she hates bullies in all shapes and forms.

Of all the leading ladies, the Rebel is the most likely to try and become expert in hobbies and professions usually held by the gentlemen.   The Rebel has no interest in conventional flirting and subtleties of wit are lost on her.  If she feels insulted, she’s more likely to punch a gentleman in the mouth than trade witty repartee.

There is only one way to catch the attention of the rebel: be better than her.  She can’t resist a challenge. She would do well with a Mercenary or a Hero.  The Genius might hope for a good match as well, if he’s lucky enough to intrigue her.  Madmen and Victims need not apply.

******

The Innocent

The innocent is a rare find.  No matter how harshly life treats her, she believes there is good in it.  She’s often naive and she trusts easily, because she naturally expects people around her to have the best intentions.  Kind and nurturing, she’s easily hurt. She’s not the most complicated or the most tormented, but she has a great sense of humor and often finds fun in the most ordinary things.  The Innocent has faith in the inherent fairness of the world.  She’s not above revenge and will do her best to make sure dangerous people will get their comeuppance.

The Innocent needs someone to protect her.  A gentleman enamored with her must actively court her, because she may mistake romantic overtures for an expression of friendship.

A Madman and a Rake would both be most fortunate to catch her.  An Aristocrat may make a good match as well, provided he finds her occasional disregard for rules charming.  The Hero and Mercenary aren’t well suited for her, and while the Genius and the Innocent may be best friends, it would never occur to them to become romantically involved.

The Professional

Like the Rebel, the Professional often chooses the career pursuits of gentlemen, but unlike the Rebel, she follows the rules of the game to a T.  She’s focused, determined, and competent.  The Professional is out to prove her worth to the world and success is very important to her.

The Professional is ruthless and cunning.  She’s so focused to her career, that she often appears completely blind to romantic overtures, but make no mistake, she is observant and she knows when a gentleman shows interest.  She simply pretends to ignore it.  Deep down the Professional is emotional and fragile.  She’s wary of loosing control and she is terrified of falling in love, because she knows that she’s unable to do love half-way.  When the Professional falls for someone, she falls completely, without reservations, but breaking through her defenses will take both time and intelligence.

The Professional is devastating to a Rake because she ignores him, and both the Hero and the Victim can hope to catch her eye.  The Madman and the Genius are both too driven, and the Aristocrat is too much of a gentleman and respects her clear signals to be left alone.

******

The Shrinking Violet

The Shrinking Violet often goes unnoticed.   She doesn’t believe in drawing attention to herself.  She is a wall flower at the ball, an unassuming secretary in the office, and the girl whose name one can never recall in the old picture.  Quietly competent, she’s efficient, independent, and introspective.  She’s a problem solver and despite her outward shyness, she is well adjusted and has a realistic view of the world.

Her unassuming manner gives an impression of meekness, but beware, she is anything but.  While she might tolerate being ignored, if pushed too far, the Shrinking Violet will make a terrifying enemy.

The Shrinking Violet is often naturally attracted to the Rake, because he possesses the glamor and easy charm that eludes her.  A Madman seeking someone to steady him should count his lucky stars if she takes an interest in him.   She has no patience for the Victim and the Mercenary leaves her cold.

******

The Milady

Of all the leading ladies, the Milady is the most dangerous.  Stunning and ruthless, she has a keen instinctual understanding of the way the gentleman’s mind works and uses it to her advantage.    The Milady is smart and witty.  She’s an expert in flirting and seduction and she employs her beauty to a devastating effect, often viewing  men as a means to an end.

Life has treated her harshly and while sometimes she becomes cynical and hardened,  the Milady cares deeply about the rare few who are fortunate enough to be her friends.  She’s loyal and fierce in their defense and if the situation becomes desperate, she may sacrifice herself for their sake, surprising everyone, herself included.

The Milady is impervious to Rake, but often has a soft spot for the Genius.  While she understands the Mercenary and can manipulate the Aristocrat, it’s often the Hero who is the most successful in pursuit of her.

The author hopes you’ve enjoyed this humorous collection and hopes you will forgive her a small plug:

Dave Williams, SF author who is controlled by cats, will be signing in Portland at Beaverton Powell’s at 7:00pm tomorrow.  The author, her intrepid Heroic Mercenary, and their children will be in attendance and they sincerely hope you’ll join them there.

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